It is natural to compare ourselves to others and to get caught in a mental comparison loop, and yet this seldom is beneficial. You may have heard the expression, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” To me, this rings true as I have found it is quite difficult to compare myself to others and feel joy at the same time.

Comparison not only robs us of joy, but it can also fuel self-criticism and a lack of self-acceptance. Typically, comparison leads to perceiving others as superior to you in some way and feeling inadequate or inferior. “I am not as successful, competent, attractive as they are.” Why don’t I have what they have?” We use comparison as an avenue for self-criticism, “What’s wrong with me? I must be an inadequate loser.” This hinders self-acceptance.

We often tell ourselves we are acceptable only if we meet certain standards, and we evaluate how we measure up by looking at others. The tendency is to conclude that we are not measuring up, particularly if we have a low sense of self-worth, and we worry that others are going to judge or criticize our perceived failures. We don’t just ask ourselves, “What’s wrong with me?” We worry what others will think: “What’s wrong with them?” The looming sense of possible rejection creates uneasiness and anxiety.

Comparison is deceptive. It tells us that if we meet the expectations, lose weight, get a promotion, or buy the house, we will feel better, calmer, more self-assured, and stop comparing ourselves. This may be temporarily true, yet, a comparison is an internal process that is ultimately based on our thoughts and sense of self, not external circumstances. We can always find something else to compare, another expectation we tell ourselves we are not meeting.

To stop comparing ourselves to others, we have to recognize that the comparison game is unwinnable (and exhausting) and stop playing. To shift from being guided by comparison to being guided by your values. Comparison can erode awareness of personal values because you are focused on others and not on what is meaningful to you.

Values are an antidote to comparison. Reflecting upon and being aware of your values, and aligning behaviors and decisions with your values, highlights and reinforces what is truly important to you and can solidify your sense of self-identity and self-acceptance.

Values and self-acceptance have a here-and-now focus. It is about practicing being okay with who you are today without qualifications and basing your behaviors are what is truly important to you. This does not mean we ignore things that we may want to change (assuming these things are under our control and we can change them). It means these changes and goals are based on values not comparison to others, and not relevant to self-acceptance, we accept ourselves regardless.

Behaviors and decisions are a matter of personal choice, not a means to measure up to others or a requirement for acceptance. Self-acceptance isn’t about fixing anything about yourself, it is about affirming who you are, today.

References

Social Comparison: A Review of Theory, Research, and Applications. January 2022. Theories in Social Psychology