Ever wonder why you and your partner have the same arguments over and over? Do you say the same things again and again? Do all your disputes end in the same frustrating way? Aside from abusive relationships, the problem isn’t you or your partner. The problem is the relationship dynamic.
All people who live together develop patterns of interactions—dynamics—in which they respond to each other in set and predictable ways. Dynamics consist of habits and automatic (unconscious) coping tactics, in response to tacit judgments partners hold about each other. They result from the brain’s penchant for making shortcut predictions more than from characteristics of the partners.
By their nature, dynamics are persistent and repetitive. When both partners are emotionally aroused, they do the same things (more or less) and say the same things (more or less), irrespective of topics of disagreement. In the throes of dynamics, discussions become argumentative standoffs:
Partner 1: “Stop denying and deflecting.”
Partner 2: “Stop blaming me!”
Partner 1: “I’m blaming you because you deny and avoid responsibility.”
Partner 2: “I avoid talking to you because all you do is blame.”
Both partners feel they’re merely reacting to the other. They feel like victims of each other, but they’re both victims of the principle of emotional reciprocity: We generally get back what we put out and put out what we get back.
When emotional reactivity is high, we become what we despise:
In the throes of relationship dynamics, the problem isn’t the problem, rather, it seems that your partner is the problem.
When interactions have been hurtful, partners develop an automatic defense system to prepare for expected trouble. The automatic defense system is a series of conditioned responses to expected precursors of ego threat, usually activated by unconscious cues:
The automatic defense system can make you tense and defensive, even when no one is doing anything wrong. In advanced stages, you tense up when you hear the front door close, or when dishes are put on the table. Many partners walk on eggshells to keep the automatic defense system quiet.
Like all good defense systems, the automatic defense system has preemptive strike capabilities. If you expect—even unconsciously—to be devalued, you may launch your missiles first. But you won’t remember your launch and swear that you merely reacted to your partner’s offensive.
Accept that there are three distinct elements of interactions in committed relationships: what you’re doing, what your partner’s doing, and the dynamic that’s happening to both of you. On autopilot, we’re consciously aware only of what our partners are doing and tend to see ourselves as mere reactors, oblivious to our body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. We see only half the dynamic. We see what our partners do but not what they're reacting to, namely us.
It’s crucial that you blame the dynamic for the conflict, not your partner. Dynamics spiral out of control when partners blame each other.
Recognize that the dynamic is controlling you (clue: the interaction’s bad). Bring it into the open.
“Hey, our dynamic is running. It’s not you doing it to me or me doing it to you. It’s happening to both of us. Our connection is more important than our habits.”
Focus on connecting and cooperating, rather than blaming, shaming, or coercing each other. (Try a heartbeat hug to synchronize your heart rates .) Connected, you can solve the problem that may have activated the automatic defense system because then you’re on the same side. It’s the two of you opposing the dynamic, rather than each other.
Blame the Dynamic, Not Your Partner
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26.04.2024
Ever wonder why you and your partner have the same arguments over and over? Do you say the same things again and again? Do all your disputes end in the same frustrating way? Aside from abusive relationships, the problem isn’t you or your partner. The problem is the relationship dynamic.
All people who live together develop patterns of interactions—dynamics—in which they respond to each other in set and predictable ways. Dynamics consist of habits and automatic (unconscious) coping tactics, in response to tacit judgments partners hold about each other. They result from the brain’s penchant for making shortcut predictions more than from characteristics of the partners.
By their nature, dynamics are persistent and repetitive. When both partners are emotionally aroused, they do the same things (more or less) and say the same things (more or less), irrespective of topics of disagreement. In the throes of dynamics, discussions........
© Psychology Today
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